The Adventures of Eldestkit
by V-Roxie-V
Summary: The kit who was believed to be an elder... READ THE FIC! I wrote this with my sissy!
1. Alliances

**Summary: **An attempted to be humorous kit that takes place in ShadowClan in the First Series… -points- Nighty is leader. AND GUESS WHAT! This silly fic has a plot! YAY PLOTS! (Though a pathetic one it may be.)

The kit who was thought to be an elder… The Adventures of Eldestkit! (He's not born yet. Don't look for him in the Alliances. DON'T CONFUSE HIM WITH ELDERKIT!) A young kit is confused with an elder…oh, just read it when it comes up. I hope you'll like it…

_**ShadowClan**_

**Leader: **

**Nightstar **

_Elderly black tom, leaderish dude (He's Cat-tastic!) _

**Deputy **

**Cinderfur **

_A gray tabby tom – which should be a red cat, because that would be cooler. _

**Medicine Cat:**

**Runningnose **

_Small gray and white tom, who has many-a-boogers. _

**Warriors: **

**Wingedstripe **

_A striped tabby tom who likes kits (Get your head out of the gutter, you freak!) _

**Boulder **

_Skinny gray tom, who does not, in fact, look like a boulder. He looks like a cat…weird name._

**Cat**

_Boulder's silver tabby "sister". She doesn't look like a cat, but more like a dog… She might, in fact, be a dog. _

_Apprentice: Brilliantpaw _

_  
_**Littlecloud**

_Very small tabby tom – who is not a cloud. But he_ is_ little._

_Apprentice: Highpaw_

**Oakfur **

_Small brown tom – wouldn't it be weird if his fur was actually made of oak? _

**Whitethroat **

_Black tom with a white chest – licks his neck funny_

**Ghostshadow **

_Even though cats don't know about ghosts; she has this name. Gray pelt. _

**Honeywhisker **

_Golden brown she-cat - she occasionally has honey stuck to her whiskers…we think it's honey at least… _

**Robinsong **

_Robin-egg blue pelt – snores at night. _

_Apprentice: Goldpaw _

**Blueclaw **

_Blue-gray tom cat – has a giant crush Spottedleaf…even though she's dead… (Says she mocks him in his dreams.)_

**Notaspy **

_No distinguishing features whatsoever, very generic…smells suspiciously like WindClan...in fact, he kind of just appeared after WindClan was driven out… _

_Apprentice: ShadowClanpaw _

**Thornface **

_He looks like a cat. A golden-brown tabby. Howls at the moon at night – very annoying to sleep next to. _

**Deadpelt **

_Pelt has been eaten by maggots…quiet…doesn't talk much, kind of just lies there…really smelly, kits are afraid of him, very good friends with the medicine cat. _

_Apprentice: Stupidpaw _

**Generic Henchmen of ShadowClan : #1 and # 2. (Life expectancy is short.) **

_Generic Henchmen of ShadowClan #1 Apprentice: Spottedpaw_

**Apprentices:**

**Brilliantpaw **

_A brown tabby tom who can't hunt, can't fight – ain't very bright. _

**Stupidpaw **

_Black tomcat who is amazing at everything. _

**Goldpaw **

_A silver she-cat – always annoying elders. _

**ShadowClanpaw **

_Pure white she-cat smells suspiciously like WindClan…appeared with Notaspy after the battle with WindClan… _

**Spottedpaw **

_Striped black-and-white she-cat. _

**Highpaw **

_Auburn-brown tom. One front paw is bigger than the other. _

**Many'a Generic Apprentices Used when Necessary **

_Many generic apprentices._

**Queens **

**Wanderingqueen **

_Tortoiseshell that is constantly disappearing from camp._

**Tallpoppy **

_Long-legged light brown tabby. Has no quirk. Totally normal. _

**Dawncloud **

_Was she still alive at this point in the books? I forgot. Anyways, she's a small tabby – hides the fresh-killed mice whenever she sees an apprentice coming to eat. _

**Quackpelt **

_Yellow queen – doesn't trust the leader…except when they're in earshot. _

**Elders:**

**Escapednose **

_Tomcat. Has a pelt that is the color that it is. Nose has been scraped out in battle – annoys the other elders by saying "What does this smell like?"_

**Nofoot **

_Tan tabby she-cat who has all four paws intact, but has trouble walking. Confused, and thinks ShadowClanpaw is the ThunderClan warrior Fireheart. _

**Hairypelt **

_Really small but really hairy tabby tom, who thinks all she-cats want him. _

**Redriver **

_Scarlet-colored tomcat, who thinks that he is a kittypet. _

**Elderkit**

_Gray matted fur, very yellow teeth, single crazy-looking emerald eye (and one sane brown eye), broken tail, twisted front paw, ripped ear, smells like rotten crowfood. Lost his mind after a battle, and now thinks he's a kit – name was changed appropriately. _


	2. Chapter 1

**This is a pitiful attempt to be funny…but that's okay. My sister and I tried. Oh, and in answer to my – our? – Reviewer, Mooncloud…**

**Mooncloud: I'm still working on Burning Roses, Silver Thorns. Don't worry! And this isn't exactly a time-consuming fanfic. It's just something more lighthearted and cheerful from Burning Roses, Silver Thorns. Though…admittedly…three cats die in this chapter…and it shows how sick my humor is…but that's okay! YAY! **

**First chapter - yes, it was supposed to be written slightly seriously... **

**Enjoy,**

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A young tortoiseshell queen poked her muzzle through the thorn bush that loomed outside of the nursery. Her pale emerald eyes flashed across the camp, her pelt tingling with annoyance when she realized that Deadpelt, the ever-alert guard had yet to leave his post. She decided she would have to go around him – she had to escape the horrid camp that she had been trapped in for moons now, as she awaited for Runningnose to viciously rip a warrior out of her stomach.

Wanderingqueen kept her stomach close to the ground and stepped lightly, trying to avoid the redded pulp that was Deadpelt. She stiffened, when one of her clumsy paws snapped a cleverly-placed twig that made such a racket, she could've sworn that every cat all the way to Fourtrees had heard the racket.

She glanced nervously at Deadpelt, and waited for him to flash his pearly-white gaze towards her. She was relieved to see that Deadpelt was staring vacantly at the fresh-kill pile, with the silver moonlight dancing across his pelt.

She sighed with relief, and began to slowly creep across the camp, her heart thudding in her chest at the prospect of escaping ShadowClan, and all the cats who wished to rip warriors out of her stomach!

"Wanderingqueen!"

She cringed, and she heard pawsteps coming up from behind her. Her heart lurched. She had been spotted. She glanced furiously over her shoulder, to see the light-brown tabby that was Tallpoppy rushing towards her.

"Great StarClan, Wanderingqueen, are you out of your mind?" Tallpoppy gasped, stumbling to a stop just a mouse-length away from Wanderingqueen's muzzle. "You're going to give birth any day now! You can't leave camp now!"

Wanderingqueen glared furiously at Tallpoppy, and opened her mouth to argue, but before she had the chance, the other queen stumbled to the earth as a yellow blur knocked into her.

"Quackpelt!" Tallpoppy swore. "Get off of me!"

Wanderingqueen looked gratefully at Quackpelt, as the yellow she-cat snorted at Tallpoppy's plea. "Don't stop Wanderingqueen, Tallpoppy!" Quackpelt shook her head violently. "She has to get out while she still can! Raise her kits in another Clan! She still has a chance…unlike some of us. Her kits can have a good life, away from Nightstar's tyranny!"

"What are you talking about?!" Tallpoppy cried. "Nightstar hasn't done anything…Besides, she just likes wandering around! If she goes now, she'll put her kits in danger!"

While the two queens argued, Wanderingqueen began to rush towards the brambles that hid the camp, and braced herself to run straight through the thorny barrier to freedom.

"Deadpelt!" Tallpoppy's voice rang in the air. "Go after her! She can't leave now! She'll put her kits in danger!"

Wanderingqueen foolishly slowed down, and glanced worriedly over at Deadpelt. But the large red-mass just laid there, his eyes still firmly on the fresh-kill pile – not even blinking as one of the many flies that eternally stalked him rested themselves on his eye.

"Oh, Deadpelt, you're so slow!" Tallpoppy snorted. "You must be easy to defeat in battle…I wonder why no cat ever fights you…"

Wanderingqueen didn't hear the rest, and burst through the bramble thicket, her paws tingling with joy. She had found freedom.

Her ears pricked, as she heard thudding paws behind her. Had Tallpoppy escaped from heroic Quackpelt's grasp? Not wanting to wait to find out, Wanderingqueen sped forward.

…

Wanderingqueen stumbled to a halt at the side of the Thunderpath, out of breath. Whoever was following her, they were determined to keep up with her until the end of time.

The tortoiseshell queen decided firmly that she had to face this threat head on, and turned to face her opponent. Her face wrinkled with disgust, as she looked at the horrifying figure that had stalked her since she had left the ShadowClan camp.

The cat was the ugliest one she had ever seen in her entire life. Its cinder-colored fur was matted and filled with more burrs than mice Wanderingqueen had eaten in her short lifetime, with one emerald eye with a gigantic pupil along with one brown eye with a tiny pupil, its tail, which it tried to wrap around its paws, was broken and gnarled – as was one of the gray cat's front paws. His right ear was shredded to virtual non-existence, and saying that he smelled like crowfood would be a compliment.

She recognized him instantly. "Elderkit!" she spat the name scornfully, as she stared at the crazed elder that had followed her all the way from camp.

Elderkit looked shamefully down at his twisted paws at her furious cry, and then meowed as cutely as he probably could, "Don't leave me alone, Mommy. I got scared at camp…"

"I'm not your mother!" Wanderingqueen cried truthfully. She looked her Clanmate over, from the one ear to the gnarled paws. "In fact, you're twice my size! Now go back to camp, Elderkit, for I never am! Runningnose is sadistic! He wants to rip warriors out of my stomach!" she shook her head violently. "I don't have warriors in my stomach! Only kits!"

Elderkit stared blankly at her for a moment, before he started to jump up and down excitedly. "I'm going to be a big brother! A big brother! Maybe I'll get to train 'em when I become a warrior!"

"You've already been a warrior, you piece of…" Wanderingqueen's voice broke off, as she felt a vibrating pain surging through her. "Pain!" she cried, rolling onto her back.

Elderkit's eyes rounded with hurt. "How could you call a cute little scrap of fur like me, Pain?" he twitched his broken tail sadly. "I've been a good kit…a nice tom kit…"

Wanderingqueen started to writhe in agony, and knew instantly that the kits were coming. She glared furiously at Elderkit. "…Elderkit, go…go…go to ThunderClan and get help! They would help me give birth to kits – they wouldn't try to take warriors out of here!" she jerked her head to her upturned belly.

Elderkit nodded vigorously, and kneaded the ground with his paws. "Yes, Mommy!" he squeaked. "I'll get that mean 'ol Bluestar to send their medimedimedicine cat…"

Then Elderkit made a fatal mistake, and Wanderingqueen flinched – with both pain and pity- as she realized the Clan elder hadn't looked both ways before crossing the Thunderpath!

Almost out of nowhere, a scarlet monster zoomed just a whisker's distance away from one of the elder's padding paws.

Elderkit paused, and looked at Wanderingqueen in horror. "That was close." He squeaked, trying to mock a kit. "I'll have to be more care-"

Elderkit's mew was broken off; as yet another monster zoomed down the Thunderpath, and padded right over his head.

Wanderingqueen cringed as the scarlet flecks of blood flew towards her muzzle. She almost felt a twinge of pity for Elderkit, but it was for the best… Maybe not the best time for her though.

Her face contorted in pain, and she let out an ear-shattering wail as the kits started to dig their way out of her.

…

After an agonizing…period of time?... Wanderingqueen was able to stare proudly down at the kits she had just brought into the forest. She nodded. Runningnose had been wrong when he had said _Wanderingqueen; you're going to give birth to some powerful ShadowClan warriors! _They were kits! Three, beautiful kits.

She blinked with curiosity, as she noticed that only one, the tom, was suckling. The other two, the she-cats, were just lying there, and did not instinctively come towards her milky-belly.

"They remind me of Deadpelt." Wanderingqueen chuckled to herself. "I bet they'd get along with him well…" Now that she had given birth to her kits, she could return to the ShadowClan camp, and rest…and tell Runningnose that he had been wrong: She had given birth to kits!

Now…what to name them…

She gazed down at her first-born son. Her emerald eyes sparkled with glee, and the mother did not notice how hideous her son was. Similar to Elderkit, her son had patchy gray fur…a tail that looked like a broken branch, a shredded ear, gnarled front paws, and, though it had just been brought into the world, it smelled worse than crowfood.

"My beautiful son," she sighed. "You're my eldest kit, so I shall name you Eldestkit." She didn't notice how similar the name was to 'Elderkit', but nobody would ever confuse the two. Elderkit was dead, for one thing, and Eldestkit was a_ handsome_ tom who would grow up to have even the queens with mates in other Clans looking at him longingly!

She ignored her two daughters. If they weren't going to come to eat, they didn't get names…


	3. Chapter 2

**Yup. The new chapter. And for the record, this isn't taking any time away from Burning Roses, Silver Thorns...I wrote this in like, an hour. Soo... **

**Anyways, time for my sister and I to answer our many...eight reviews! YAY! I am 'Roxie' because that's my username...and my sister who is my co-author...is known as Nausicaa because...well...she's an anime geek. YAY! **

**Flamepelt's Wrath - **

**Nausicaa Reply : Yes, the humor is very great in this.**

**Roxie Reply : Thankies! I didn't think anyone would like it! YAY! And yes, I continued!**

**Heatherpelt of FireClan** -

**Nausicaa Reply : We shall continue our writing, mwa ha ha.**

**Roxie Reply : THANKIE DOODLE!**

.**Skysong - Brooksilver -**

**Nausicaa :** **No...that is just weird and cheap writing, in my brilliant opinion. **

**Roxie Reply : Except for the whole 'brilliant' thing above, I agree. I felt cheated when the Cinderpelt thing happened... If you kill off a character: They should stay DEAD. I like Cinderpelt as much as the next gal...but...**

**Greenpool -**

**Nausicaa : What a reviewer! Hmmm...what could those letters stand for... -thinks deep thoughts- **

**Roxie Reply : Heh heh heh... random. **

**lmblovesmilk - **

**Nausicaa : I like Elderkit too...rest in peace. Rest in peace.**

**Roxie : I like Elderkit as well... **

**Rabbitstorm -**

**Nausicaa : Thanks! **

**Roxie : I like your reviews! **

**Dawnshimmer -**

**Nausicaa : I like you! **

**Roxie : Nausicaa gives me nightmares. **

**Anyways, **

**Enjoy, **

**

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**The tiny kit's brown and green eyes glowed with joy, as he noticed a tawny-colored butterfly flying just a mouse-length in front of his muzzle. Letting out a purr of amusement, Eldestkit lifted his gnarled gray paws into the air, and dabbed curiously at the fascinating creature – completely ignoring the monsters that zoomed down the Thunderpath hardly a paw-step away from him. 

He was about to pounce on the bug, when he felt his mother's tail rest on his shoulder. He looked up into her emerald eyes eagerly.

"Now Eldestkit," Wanderingqueen sighed, her eyes glittering, "you have to save your energy like your sisters, if we want to make it to the ShadowClan camp by nightfall."

Eldestkit instantly forgot about the butterfly, and let the poor creature float off. ShadowClan! In his lifetime, his mother had told him all about the powerful warriors who fought for honor and justice in the forest. The four Clans who for some reason fought against one another and killed each other for territory, for no reason other than the fact that a bunch of dead cats told them to, in the honorable code of the warrior.

In thinking of dead cats…

Eldestkit glanced over at his two snow-white sisters, who were laying motionless a few steps away. Wanderingqueen was nudging them, but they didn't move.

"Mother," Eldestkit mewed carefully, "Quietkit and Silentkit haven't moved, spoken, or…eaten since…well as long as I can remember. I think that they're dead…"

"Why would you say that?" Wanderingqueen asked irritably, looking up from rasping her tongue along Quietkit's back.

Eldestkit's whiskers twitched, annoyed. "I said: They haven't spoken, moved, or eaten since…ever… there are…all these flies around them… and you know, they smell like that Elderkit on the Thunderpath that you keep saying you'll bury tomorrow." He flicked his tail towards the dead body of the elder which had been battered many times by the passing monsters since his death.

"They're not dead…they're like Deadpelt. Deadpelt has flies over him, doesn't move, smells like he's dead, acts like he's dead…and Runningnose tells us that he's been speaking to him from StarClan…but that doesn't make Deadpelt dead, does it?" Wanderingqueen hissed.

Eldestkit stared blankly at Wanderingqueen, before he looked down at his paws and shuffled them, embarrassed. "I…I…I don't know, Mommy….but…how are they going to get home? They haven't even learned how to walk…"

"I'll carry them, but then they'll walk when they wake up."

"They haven't even grown…"

"They'll grow when they wake up!" Wanderingqueen growled, and curled her lips into a snarl.

Eldestkit opened his mouth to answer, when Wanderingqueen flattened her ears and let out a hiss. "ThunderClan. Patrol. Here. Now. Hide!"

Wanderingqueen rushed into a bramble bush, and Eldestkit followed her – a very painful experience. He looked around their makeshift nest. His mother had told him why they had made their den there: it was by the Thunderpath, and the reek hid their scent, even from the ShadowClan patrols that Wanderingqueen didn't want to find her – until she could introduce Eldestkit to them as a healthy, strong kitten – and make sure that no warriors were coming out of her belly.

He peeked through the brambles, to see a ThunderClan patrol…of two cats. One was a broad shouldered tom, with piercing yellow eyes and stone-gray fur. Beside him, was a handsome ginger tom.

"Graystripe," the ginger one meowed, jerking his head towards Elderkit's body. "That dead ShadowClan cat has been there forever…do you suppose we should bury it?"

Graystripe glanced at Elderkit for a moment, but then shrugged his shoulders. "It's ShadowClan's elder. They should bury it, Fireheart."

Fireheart looked doubtful. "But…it's been so long and no cat seems to have noticed…and he's starting to smell."

Graystripe wrinkled his nose. "He does reek," the ThunderClan warrior agreed. "But he reeked before. Remember the Gatherings?"

Fireheart purred with amusement, and then seemed to get distracted by some movement in some ferns in their side of the territory, while Graystripe glanced at the sky and muttered something about being late for meeting some cat by a silver stream…or something, and followed Fireheart into the plants.

Wanderingqueen sighed with relief, before she led Eldestkit out of the bramble nest. "Anyways, back to Quietkit and Silentkit…Eldestkit, they most definitely are alive. I'd know instinctively if they were dead: I'm their mother."

"Oh. I see…" Eldestkit nodded solemnly.

"Anyways," Wanderingqueen sighed, sitting down on her haunches. "Before we go to the ShadowClan camp I must tell you something – and I want you to tell your sisters this too, when they wake up. But in secret…it is very important that none of the ShadowClan cats find out…."

Eldestkit's heart pounded. What could be so secretive that Wanderingqueen didn't want any cat to know about it?

Wanderingqueen opened her mouth to say so, when both ShadowClan cats heard a yowl from the other side of the Thunderpath. Wanderingqueen jerked her head around, and flattened her ears against her head. Eldestkit flattened his single full-ear against his own, when he saw a fox speeding across the stony gray path, with the two ThunderClan cats in hot pursuit.

Eldestkit could almost hear Fireheart let out a warning cry, before Wanderingqueen let out a furious hiss, and blatantly ignored the fox that seemed to look at her hungrily. "What are you two doing in ShadowClan territory?" she flared. "Get off this instant!"

Graystripe stared blankly at Wanderingqueen for a few heartbeats, despite the fox whose actions the author was too lazy to describe. "We came over to help you with the fox…"

"This is a ShadowClan fox!" Wanderingqueen growled. "You are ThunderClan cats! ShadowClan foxes only kill ShadowClan cats! Go find your own fox!"

Fireheart's eyes rounded with disbelief. "Are you mad?"

"No, I'm angry." Wanderingqueen growled. "Only foxes and dogs get mad!"

"That's not what he meant…" Graystripe pointed helpfully. He glanced at Eldestkit, and then at the corpse on the Thunderpath. "Hey…what kind of relationship did you have with Elderkit? Because your son looks a lot like…"

"A StarClan warrior?" Wanderingqueen asked proudly. "Yes, isn't he handsome and wise?"

Graystripe eyed Eldestkit. "Handsome isn't the word I'd use to describe him…"

Fireheart opened his mouth, probably to throw in his two-sense about the situation, when his emerald eyes widened and he glanced at Eldestkit's mother. "Um…that fox looks like it's about to attack your kit..."

"Yes, I know." Wanderingqueen nodded at the fox approvingly. "He won't attack you two, because you two are ThunderClan cats. And it is a loyal ShadowClan-warrior-killer, and is being loyal to the Warrior Code, and only killing ShadowClan cats."

Eldestkit glanced at the fox curiously, and he couldn't help but notice that it was drooling as it looked at him. He looked at his mother, hoping for her help.

He couldn't help but notice that Fireheart began to rush forward to rescue him, but Wanderingqueen slashed the ginger tom's nose. "He can walk mouse-brain!" she growled. "He should begin to learn how to defend himself!"

"But…but…that's a fox…and he's a kit!" Fireheart uttered in disbelief.

"You think so?" Wanderingqueen sounded relieved. "So Runningnose was completely wrong…I wasn't so sure. You know, he said that I would give birth to some powerful warriors for ShadowClan – but all I did was give birth to kits…"

"I don't think that's what he meant…" Graystripe mumbled.

Eldestkit squeaked, as the fox's jaws snapped at his tail. He stumbled towards the flame-colored ThunderClan warrior, because apparently that was the only one that seemed to be paying any attention to the matter at paw.

"Stay away from that kittypet!" Wanderingqueen hissed, using her tail to block Eldestkit's goal. She looked up at Graystripe and Fireheart. "Now, get out of ShadowClan territory. If Eldestkit can't defeat a fox at his age, then he isn't fit to be a warrior."

Fireheart's ears flicked. "That sounds like Brokenstar to me…"

"Brokenstar? Oh, yes, now I remember what I was going to say!" she looked at down at her first born son. "Eldestkit, your father is…" her emerald eyes rounded, and her mouth dropped open. "Quietkit! Silentkit!"

Eldestkit snapped his attention towards his two "sleeping" sisters, who didn't utter a noise as the fox slowly tore his fangs into their flesh.

Wanderingqueen let out a ferocious screech, and charged towards the fox uttering curses – which left Eldestkit wondering why she was willing to defend her daughters, but not him. It was probably because they were asleep. Like always. They got to do everything because they were sleeping!

Eldestkit looked towards the ThunderClan cats, wondering why they weren't doing anything, but to his surprise, even the ginger tom that had seemed to be the most keen to help Wanderingqueen earlier just looked confused.

"Graystripe…weren't those kits already dead when we came over here?"

"That's what they smelled like…" Graystripe mumbled.

Eldestkit didn't hear the rest of their conversation, and his limbs shook in shock, as he saw that the fox with little or no trouble dug his fangs into Wanderingqueen's neck and killed her in the easiest way to describe in a heartbeat.

Before Fireheart let out a yowl of horror, as the fox carried Eldestkit's mother away, to wherever random foxes go when they are no longer necessary.

Eldestkit felt his legs get numb, and his mind spin with the turn of events. His sisters…Quietkit and Silentkit…if they hadn't been dead before, they certainly were dead now, he decided as he looked at their half-eaten corpses.

And his mother…

He looked up hopefully at Fireheart and Graystripe, who both had their mouths open in shock.

Eldestkit blinked. "The…the fox is only going to play with my mother, right? Like I play…with the…butterflies?"

Graystripe didn't seem to be able to meet his eyes, but Fireheart was shaking his head sorrowfully. The two ThunderClan cats shared a quick word, before the flame-colored tom rose to his paws. "Eldestkit, Graystripe and I are going to take you back to your camp now…"

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**Roxie : You better have enjoyed it, or else I'll cry. **


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